Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
being pregnant is like rehab
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
