He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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