Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I love having hate sex.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
