last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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