Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
whose parrot is this?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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