my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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