I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
