Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
