From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
