my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
And my parents said I crawled through the house
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
