I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
