I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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