um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
