Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
