God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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