I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
