We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
