i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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