What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
