Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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