***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
