When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
