I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
