I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
