Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
