My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
