You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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