god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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