bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
