i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
