We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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