I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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