That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
