i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
