i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
