my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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