At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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