I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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