seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
