I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
