In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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