Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
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