i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
