Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
