I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
