i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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