At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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