So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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