It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
