I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
